Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
A Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and meet to decide that nothing can be done together.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
A Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist* immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Megahertz (n) A lot of pain
Hebrew (n) Strong beer
Polynesia (n) Loss of memory in parrots
*A proctologist: a doctor specialising in problems of the Rectum.